Past Tense/Quotes

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Selected Quotes for The Venture Bros. Episode,

Past Tense


Dean: Funerals are creepy

Hank: What's the big deal? You see dead guys all the time?

Dean: When?!

Hank: Dude, just last week Brock killed two dervishes with a pillowcase full of Coke right in our bedroom.

Dean: He just knocked them out.

Hank: Go sing yourself another lullaby, baby Dean. The police took them away in body bags.

Dean: Sleeping bag! Those were sleeping bags!



[ Baron Underbheit enters the funeral service]

Hank: Holy crap! Brock, kick his butt

Brock: Relax, boys. He's not going to do anything. It's hallowed ground.



Rusty [Talking about young Werner's haircut]: Who cuts his hair, the Incredible Hulk?

Pete White: What, did he walk into the barbershop and say "What can you do to make me look more like Pete Rose?"

Mike Sorayama: Hey, what's wrong with his hair? I have, like, the same haircut.

Rusty: Yeah but you're chinese. you people can't be blamed for what your hair does.

Mike Sorayama: I'm Japanese, jerk-off. But, yeah, that's so true. At least I don't have his eyebrows.

Venture: You want to see eyebrows? Come to my creative writing class. There's this guy, no joke, they're out to here. And the weirdness doesn't stop there. All he writes are these way too specific poems about monarch butterflies! Total closet case!

Hank[breaking out of flashback]: Okay, this is just getting nuts. You are not going to tell me you went to the college with the Monarch, too? [Rusty and Pete shrug] Where did you guys go, super crazy, no way school?



[Hank calls up Monarch to ask about his father and Brock's kidnapping]

The Monarch: Nope. Sorry, wasn't me. I've got something planned for next week, I think. But no.



Hank:We need to come up with a rescue plan. I'm thinking we bust out the hover bikes, load them up with , like, hand grenades and plasma cannons...

Dean: No, Hank, I--

Hank: Hear me out Dean-o. You're a smart kid and all, but you're not a wartime consigliere.



[ Action Man is getting his outfit on. His wife, Jeanie, is next to him.]]

Action Man: Now where are the pads?

Jeanie: What pads?

Action Man: The maxi pads gathering dust under the sink. What the hell pads do you think? My Action Man uniform knee pads.

Jeanie: Oh, those. The ones that go on your uniform?

Action Man: And now she gets it. What does it look like I'm going here?



Brock: You did this! You did this, didn't you?!

Underbheit: As usual, your detective skills are impeccable, Samson. You've succeeded in exposing my sinister plan to lock myself in a dungeon chained to an albino.



[Dean goes to shake Kano's hand]

Dean: How do you do?

Col. Gentleman: Careful, lad. Those hands of his are strong enough to crush a boulder, yet delicate enough to crush a butterfly.



Brock: You made Leslie Cohen robots? Jeez.

Sorayama: Yeah, I think I did a pretty good job.

Pete White: Sure, but why would you do that, fella?

Underbheit: To have sex with, Pete. I think that obvious. The man was obsessed with her in college

Rusty: So? He was obsessed with Coco from Fame the year before.



[ Dr. Orpheus grabs onto Action Man's hands. A mystical energy glows around their hands.]

Dr. Orpheus: Two years, seventeen days.

Action Man: What?

Dr. Orpheus: From a stroke. Good day!



Colonel Gentleman: Relax lads. Despite his racial handicap, Kano here is a crackerjack pilot. He could land her on a puffin or a smurf!



Hank: Hey, how come you're not old and stuff like the other guys?"

Otto Aquarius: "I am. I just age slower because I'm half Atlantaen."

Hank: "Wow. How do I get to be one of those?"

Action Man: "A drunken sailor has to have his way with your mer-mom, kid"


[From a radio Rusty and Mike are listening to]

Pete White: You're listening to The White Room. I'm your host, the evah popular Pete White. This next one's a dedication to Leslie Cohen from her little buddy, Mike Sorayama. And he writes, 'Leslie, I masturbate furiously to your picture every night. Please notice me. Love, Mike.'


Col. Gentleman, Kano and Action Man: Go Team Venture!

[As the team's fingers connect, an elaborate logo appears in the air]

Hank: Huh? Now that's how it's done!



[Mike, Underbheit, Pete and Rusty are playing Dungeons and Dragons]

Underbheit: OK, my barbarian swings his +3 battle axe.

Sorayama: No. The Leslie Golem's skin is like rock.

Pete White: "What the hell's a Leslie golem?"

Sorayama: "A very powerful creature that looks just like Leslie Cohen."

Pete White: "Oh for Pete ... for my sake"

Rusty: Looks like Leslie Cohen, huh? Well then my wizard seduces her.

Sorayama: What? You can't do that

Rusty: Sure I can. I have like 25 charisma points. I want to seduce her.

Sorayama: No, don't! It's Leslie.

[The die rolls and Sorayama screams. The flashback breaks out into the present]

Dr. Venture: Oh, c'mon! You're going to kill me because I had fake sex on graph paper with a girl who barely even spoke to you in real life?